After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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