Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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