LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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