go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
