Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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