Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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