Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
