You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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