I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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