I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We have started to decorate penises.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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