I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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