I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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