Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
