But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
