that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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