I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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