I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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