The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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