Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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