I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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