swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
