Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
