Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
