we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
