im having a threesome with these popsicles
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
