I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
