i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
