He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
