Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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