Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
