I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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