I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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