Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize