Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
