Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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