he told me I talked like a deaf person
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
