I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
