so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
