I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
