I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize