I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
