is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
