It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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