My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
