Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
