I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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