Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
