note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
