The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
