tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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