my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
