i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
