Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
