i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
