I can text with my tongue
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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