Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize