bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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