The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
