I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize