True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
