Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
