He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
