Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
