Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
