Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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