Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
