so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
