whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
