I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
