paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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